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Hugging and physical touch can be extremely beneficial for those with borderline personality disorder (BPD). However, there are also risks and challenges that need to be properly navigated.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by intense emotions, unstable relationships, and a distorted self-image. For those living with BPD, navigating daily interactions can be a challenge, particularly when it comes to physical touch, such as hugging. While physical contact can be a powerful tool for emotional connection and reassurance, it must be approached with understanding and care.

This article will provide an overview of borderline personality disorder and hugging, explain the benefits of hugging for mental health, especially for people with BPD, give tips on proper hugging techniques, discuss potential risks, and offer advice for loved ones supporting someone with BPD.
























What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) represents a complex mental health challenge that significantly impacts an individual’s emotional regulation, interpersonal relationships, and self-perception. Characterized by intense emotional experiences, BPD can lead to unstable personal relationships, impulsive decision-making, and a persistent sense of emptiness or identity confusion. Here’s an expanded look at the main facets of BPD and the avenues for treatment and support.

  • Emotion Dysregulation: Individuals with BPD often experience profound emotional intensity and volatility. These emotions can fluctuate dramatically and are typically harder to manage. This dysregulation can result in sudden bursts of anger, intense episodes of anxiety, or deep dives into depression, making daily emotional stability a challenging endeavor.
  • Unstable Relationships: People with BPD may form quick, intense attachments, idealizing others initially, only to rapidly devalue them following perceived disappointments or slights. This pattern can result in a cycle of intense, short-lived relationships and periods of profound loneliness or social withdrawal, complicating the ability to maintain long-term, stable connections.
  • Impulsivity: The impulsive behaviors associated with BPD, such as substance abuse, binge eating, or engaging in unsafe sex, are often attempts to cope with overwhelming emotions or to fill a sense of emptiness. These actions can lead to further instability and distress in their lives.
  • Identity Disturbances: A fluctuating self-image and unclear sense of identity are common in BPD, leading individuals to question their role, values, and perceptions of themselves constantly. This uncertainty can manifest in rapidly changing jobs, relationships, interests, or self-representation, contributing to internal confusion and external unpredictability.
  • Self-harm and Suicidal Behaviors: Self-harming behaviors, including cutting, burning, or other forms of self-injury, are unfortunately prevalent in those with BPD, serving as a harmful way to manage acute emotional pain or dissociation. Suicidal thoughts or actions can also occur, necessitating compassionate, immediate intervention.

What Causes Borderline Personality Disorder?

There are many potential causes of borderline personality disorder. However, BPD often stems from a complex interplay of genetic, environmental, and psychological factors, with childhood trauma, such as neglect, abuse, or emotional invalidation, playing a significant role in its development. While affecting 1-3% of the adult population, BPD is diagnosed more frequently in women, though recent studies suggest borderline personality disorder in men may be underdiagnosed. They may actually present borderline personality disorder symptoms differently.

Managing BPD requires a comprehensive treatment plan, typically involving psychotherapy as the cornerstone. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Schema-Focused Therapy are effective psychotherapeutic approaches for addressing the core symptoms of BPD. In some cases, medications for borderline personality disorder may be used to manage specific BPD symptoms like mood swings or depression. Moreover, self-help strategies, including mindfulness practices, regular physical activity, and developing a stable routine can help you learn how to treat borderline personality disorder and support overall well-being and emotional regulation.

Living with BPD is undoubtedly challenging, but with the right treatment and support, individuals can lead fulfilling lives. Psychotherapy, alongside a supportive network of care, can foster significant improvement in managing emotions, relationships, and self-perception. 

For anyone struggling with BPD, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, and effective support and treatment are available. At clinics like Positive Reset Eatontown, we are committed to providing empathetic, evidence-based care to help individuals navigate the complexities of BPD and move towards a more stable, satisfying life.

Read more about BPD from NAMI.

Borderline Personality Disorder vs. Bipolar Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar Disorder are distinct mental health conditions, each with unique symptoms and treatment approaches, though they can sometimes be confused due to overlapping characteristics.

  • BPD is primarily characterized by intense emotional instability, impulsive behaviors, turbulent relationships, and a chronic feeling of emptiness. Individuals with BPD often experience rapid mood swings primarily triggered by environmental factors and interpersonal stress, leading to intense episodes of anger, anxiety, and depression that can change very quickly. Many therapists and counselors will follow a loose borderline personality disorder test to begin the diagnosis process. 
  • Bipolar Disorder, on the other hand, involves significant shifts in mood that can last for weeks or months, ranging from manic highs to depressive lows. These mood episodes are more prolonged and can be separated by periods of normal mood. Mania in bipolar disorder can include elevated mood, increased energy, grandiosity, and reduced need for sleep, whereas depressive episodes can feature profound sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in activities.

While both disorders require careful diagnosis and management, treatments may include psychotherapy, medication, and lifestyle adjustments to manage symptoms and improve quality of life. Understanding the nuances between borderline personality disorder vs bipolar disorder is crucial for effective treatment and support.

Hugging and Physical Touch in BPD

For individuals grappling with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the power of physical touch, including actions like hugging and hand-holding, can be a pivotal aspect of symptom management and emotional regulation. This connection often traces back to the formative experiences of those with BPD, many of whom endured challenging early environments.

A significant number of individuals with BPD recount histories where safe, nurturing physical contact and emotional attunement were scarce during their childhood years. This deficiency can play a critical role in the development of BPD, leaving many feeling touch deprived and yearning for a sense of physical connection and comfort in their adult lives. When administered thoughtfully and consensually, physical touch can serve as a powerful conduit for comfort and emotional connection, helping to bridge the gaps left from earlier years.

Engaging in simple, affectionate gestures like hugging or holding hands can act as potent self-soothing techniques during moments of intense emotional turmoil. The act of embracing or gentle touching can stimulate the release of neurotransmitters, such as oxytocin, often referred to as the ‘love hormone,’ which plays a crucial role in reducing stress and anxiety levels and fostering feelings of calm and connection.

Moreover, the sensory experience of touch can be grounding, helping individuals with BPD to anchor themselves in the present moment when overwhelmed by emotional distress or disassociation. It can serve as a reminder of the support and care available to them, promoting feelings of safety and trust in their relationships.

Nevertheless, it’s imperative to recognize that, for some with BPD, physical touch can carry associations with past trauma or elicit fears of rejection and vulnerability. These individuals may have experienced touch that was unsafe or intrusive, complicating their relationship with physical contact. Therefore, respecting personal boundaries around touch is paramount. Open, empathetic communication about needs, comfort levels, and preferences regarding physical contact can ensure that gestures of touch are healing rather than harmful.

In therapeutic settings or supportive relationships, understanding and honoring these boundaries, while also exploring the potential healing power of appropriate physical touch, can be a delicate balance. It requires sensitivity, patience, and often, professional guidance to navigate effectively.

While physical touch like hugging can offer significant benefits for those with BPD, including enhanced emotional regulation and a sense of connection, it must be approached with care and consent. Recognizing the complex interplay between past experiences, current needs, and individual boundaries is crucial in leveraging the nurturing potential of touch in the journey toward healing and stability.

The Benefits of Hugging for Mental Health

When approached safely and with consent, hugging can be a profoundly beneficial act for individuals battling Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), offering a range of psychological and emotional benefits:

  • Oxytocin Release: The act of hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, often referred to as the ‘cuddle hormone.’ This hormone plays a key role in reducing cortisol levels, the body’s stress hormone, thereby providing significant stress relief and promoting a sense of calm and relaxation.
  • Emotional Comfort: Engaging in a heartfelt hug can activate the caregiving and attachment systems in the brain, evoking feelings of safety, security, and comfort. This physical expression of care can be especially comforting for those with BPD, who may often feel misunderstood or isolated.
  • Mood Boost: The oxytocin released during a hug not only alleviates stress but can also enhance mood. This hormonal shift can help mitigate feelings of sadness or depression, offering a natural, uplifting mood boost.
  • Emotion Regulation: For individuals with BPD, managing intense emotions can be a daily challenge. The soothing, grounding effect of a hug can help de-escalate overwhelming emotions and reduce self-destructive urges, aiding in better emotion regulation.
  • Trust and Attachment: Respectful and consensual hugging can foster trust and promote the development of positive attachment experiences. This nurturing touch can convey unconditional care and support, essential elements in building healthy, trusting relationships for those with BPD.

While the mental health benefits of kissing and hugging are significant, it’s important to remember that hugging and kissing should always be consensual. Both parties should feel comfortable and willing to engage in the physical embrace, respecting each other’s boundaries and preferences. Moreover, while hugging and other forms of supportive touch can be incredibly beneficial, they should be viewed as supplements to professional borderline personality disorder treatments rather than replacements.

For individuals with BPD, professional therapy remains a cornerstone of effective treatment, providing a comprehensive approach to managing symptoms, understanding underlying issues, and developing coping strategies. Hugging and physical touch, when integrated into a broader treatment plan, can enhance the therapeutic journey, providing additional support and comfort along the path to recovery and emotional stability.


How to Hug Someone with BPD

Hugging someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can indeed play a nurturing role in their emotional journey, helping to reinforce your connection and support their path to healing. However, it’s essential to navigate this with empathy, understanding, and respect for their boundaries. Here are some enriched guidelines to ensure that hugging is a positive, supportive experience:

  • Obtain Consent: The paramount rule is to always ask if a hug is welcome before proceeding. This simple act of seeking permission not only respects their autonomy but also reinforces their sense of control and safety. If they decline, honor their response without pressure or judgment.
  • Start Small: For individuals who are touch-adverse or have a history of trauma, initiating physical contact with brief, gentle hugs can help ease into more substantial physical interaction. This gradual approach allows trust to develop organically, creating a foundation for more frequent or longer embraces in the future.
  • Set Expectations: Clarity about the intent behind the hug can alleviate anxiety or misinterpretation. Whether the hug is meant to offer comfort, share joy, or express support, communicating this can help align your intentions with their emotional needs, making the experience more meaningful and comforting.
  • Respect Boundaries: It’s crucial to be attuned to their comfort level with physical touch. Avoid insisting on prolonged hugging or cuddling if they show signs of discomfort. Respecting their boundaries fosters trust and shows that you prioritize their well-being.
  • Provide Support: Accompany your hug with words of affirmation or validation of their feelings. This verbal reassurance can amplify the comforting effect of the hug, making it a more holistic supportive gesture.
  • Don’t Take It Personally: If your offer for a hug is declined, remember that their response is more about their current emotional state and comfort level with physical touch than about their feelings towards you. Be understanding and don’t interpret the refusal as personal rejection.
  • Remain Mindful: During the hug, stay aware of their reactions. Look for any signs of tension, discomfort, or the desire to pull away, and be ready to end the embrace accordingly. Keeping hugs brief and comfortable can help prevent any feelings of being overwhelmed or trapped.
  • Let Them Lead: Whenever possible, allow the person with BPD to initiate and conclude the hug. This empowers them to set the pace and duration of physical contact, ensuring they feel safe and respected.

Patience and sensitivity are key when building a physical connection with someone who has BPD. By following these guidelines, you can make sure that your hugs and physical expressions of affection are supportive, comforting, and aligned with their needs and boundaries. Through such mindful interactions, you contribute positively to their healing journey and the deepening of your mutual bond.


Potential Risks and Challenges

While the act of people hugging can offer significant therapeutic benefits, especially for individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it’s important to approach it with awareness and sensitivity to potential risks and challenges:

  • Not a Standalone Treatment: It’s crucial to recognize that while hugging can be a supportive tool in managing BPD symptoms, it should not be seen as a replacement for comprehensive professional treatment. Therapy and, in some cases, medication are essential components of effective BPD management. Hugging can complement these treatments by providing moments of comfort and connection.
  • Respecting Boundaries: Consent is paramount in any form of physical interaction. Hugs should never be forced or imposed, as unwanted touch can be highly triggering and detrimental to someone with BPD. Always seek explicit consent before engaging in physical contact and be attentive to any signs of discomfort.
  • Consideration of Past Trauma: For individuals with a history of abuse, physical contact, including hugging, can sometimes evoke memories of past traumas. It’s important to proceed with caution and sensitivity, ensuring that any form of touch is safe and consensual, to avoid retraumatization.
  • Avoiding Emotional Dependence: While physical touch can provide comfort and emotional regulation, there’s a risk of becoming overly reliant on it for emotional stability. Encouraging a balanced approach to emotional regulation, incorporating various coping strategies, can prevent dependency on physical touch alone.
  • Being Mindful of Triggers: Touch, even when well-intentioned, can sometimes trigger unexpected emotional responses or flashbacks, particularly in individuals with trauma-related disorders like BPD. Being mindful of the person’s reactions and maintaining open communication can help identify and avoid specific touch-related triggers.
  • Managing Expectations: It’s vital to maintain realistic expectations regarding the impact of hugging on BPD symptoms. While it can offer immediate comfort and strengthen bonds, hugging is not a cure for BPD and should not be viewed as a quick fix for deeper emotional issues.
  • Seeking Professional Guidance: If engaging in physical affection like hugging leads to severe anxiety, flashbacks, or emotional instability, it’s important to consult with a mental health professional. They can provide guidance on safely integrating physical touch into a broader therapeutic strategy and help set healthy boundaries around physical affection.

While hugging can be a valuable part of the support system for someone with BPD, it must be approached with care, respect for personal boundaries, and an understanding of its limitations. Combining the comforting power of appropriate physical touch with professional therapy and treatment allows for a more holistic approach to managing BPD, promoting healing, and fostering healthier relationships.

How Does Hugging Impact Mental Health?

Hugs affect relationships for people with BPD, both positively and negatively, in terms of quality and stability.

The way people use and receive touch can either bring them closer or create problems.

Some of the ways that physical touch can affect relationships for people with BPD are:

  • Enhancing intimacy: Physical touch can help people with BPD and their partners feel closer and more connected, both physically and emotionally.Physical touch can express love, affection, and appreciation, and can create a sense of belonging and security. Physical touch can also increase sexual satisfaction and pleasure, and can strengthen the bond between partners.
  • Building trust: Physical touch can help people with BPD and their partners build trust and confidence, both in themselves and in each other.Physical touch can show that they care, respect, and value each other, and that they are committed and loyal. Physical touch can also reassure them that someone is with them, supporting and understanding them.
  • Improving communication: Physical touch can help people with BPD and their partners communicate more effectively and honestly, both verbally and nonverbally.Physical touch can convey messages that words cannot, such as empathy, compassion, and forgiveness. Physical touch can also complement and reinforce verbal communication, such as by nodding, smiling, or holding hands.

However, physical touch can also create challenges and difficulties for people with BPD and their partners, such as:

  • Causing conflict: Physical touch can cause conflict and arguments, both over the quantity and quality of physical touch. People with BPD and their partners may have different needs and preferences for physical touch, and may not be able to meet each other’s expectations.
  • Preferences: People have different preferences for physical touch, which can cause frustration and dissatisfaction if not understood and respected by their partner.
  • Triggering jealousy: Physical touch can trigger jealousy and insecurity, both within and outside the relationship.People with BPD and their partners may feel threatened or suspicious by physical touch from or to other people, such as friends, family, or strangers. They may perceive physical touch as a sign of infidelity, disloyalty, or betrayal, and may react with anger, accusation, or withdrawal.
  • Creating instability: Physical touch can create instability and unpredictability, both in the frequency and intensity of physical touch.People with BPD and their partners may have mood swings and impulsivity that affect their behavior and attitude towards physical touch. They can switch between being loving and distant, or between being passionate and bored, without warning. These changes can create confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety.

Physical touch can also influence the mood and well-being of people with BPD, both positively and negatively.

Tips for Loved Ones

For those caring for a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), integrating physical affection like hugging into the relationship can indeed fortify the bond between you, yet it necessitates a delicate and thoughtful approach. Here are some enriched guidelines to navigate this aspect of your relationship:

  • Practice Patience: Building a comfortable level of physical affection with someone who has BPD might take more time than usual. It’s important to be patient and allow the relationship’s physical aspect to evolve naturally, respecting the pace at which the person with BPD feels comfortable.
  • Provide Unconditional Support: Show that your affection and care are not contingent on their mood or behavior. Offer hugs and other forms of physical comfort not only in times of distress but also in moments of calm and happiness, to reinforce the message that your support is steadfast and unconditional.
  • Foster Trust and Safety: Creating a safe and trustworthy environment is crucial for someone with BPD. This means always respecting their boundaries and preferences regarding physical touch. Consistent, respectful behavior can help make physical affection a safe and comforting experience for them.
  • Seek Therapy for Yourself: Caring for someone with BPD can be emotionally taxing. To prevent caregiver burnout, it’s equally important to attend to your own mental health needs. Seeking therapy can provide you with the support and coping strategies you need to maintain your well-being while caring for your loved one.
  • Establish Clear Boundaries: Openly discuss and mutually establish the boundaries around physical affection. Agree on when and where hugs or other physical contacts are appropriate, ensuring that both parties feel comfortable and respected in the relationship.
  • Stay Committed: Progress in building physical affection and trust may be gradual. Consistency in your supportive actions can lay the groundwork for a stronger bond over time. Even if the progress is slow, your steadfast support can make a significant difference.
  • Follow Their Lead: Allow the person with BPD to initiate physical contact, ensuring that they feel in control of their personal space and boundaries. If they sometimes decline physical affection, try not to take it personally. Their comfort and readiness should guide these interactions, emphasizing their well-being over the need for physical closeness.

Nurturing a bond through physical affection with someone who has BPD is a journey marked by respect, understanding, and patience. By prioritizing their comfort and boundaries, offering consistent support, and taking care of your own mental health, you can create a supportive and loving relationship that benefits both of you. 

Remember, the goal is to support their healing journey while also maintaining your well-being, fostering a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and care. Whether you are looking for help learning how to detach from someone with borderline personality disorder or you want help understanding the full BPD meaning, turn to the experts. 

Find out more about borderline personality disorder and hugging by contacting Positive Reset today. Our team is here to help!


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Frequently Asked Questions

Is hugging recommended for someone with BPD?

Yes, when done properly, hugging can help provide emotional comfort and regulation. However, consent and boundaries should always be respected. Hugging can be beneficial for individuals with BPD, hugging can help establish trust, reduce anxiety, and foster a sense of security.


Can hugging help manage BPD episodes?

It can help de-escalate emotions and self-harm urges during a BPD episode. But professional treatment is still required for long-term stability. Hugging can be a valuable tool for managing BPD episodes. It provides comfort during times of emotional turmoil, offering a calming effect and potentially diffusing intense emotions.


What if they don’t want a hug when upset?

Never force physical touch. Offer alternatives like sitting with them, holding their hand if ok, or providing emotional validation. Respecting boundaries is crucial. If someone with BPD doesn’t want a hug when upset, it’s essential to honor their choice.


How long/tight should you hug someone with BPD?

Ask them for their preferred hug length and tightness. The duration and intensity of a hug should be guided by the individual’s comfort level. Some individuals may prefer shorter, gentle hugs, while others may benefit from longer, more reassuring embraces. It’s essential to adapt to their needs and preferences.


Will hugging “fix” their BPD? 

No, BPD requires comprehensive treatment plans. Hugging should only supplement professional help. Hugging alone cannot “fix” BPD, but it can be a supportive component of a comprehensive treatment plan. At Positive Reset Mental Health Clinic, we offer evidence-based therapies, including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), tailored to address the core challenges of BPD.



Hugging can be a positive experience for people with BPD when done thoughtfully and consensually.

While touch can help provide emotional comforting and stabilization, it should not be forced or replace psychological treatment.

By respecting boundaries, building trust slowly, and communicating clearly, you can use hugging to support someone struggling with BPD and strengthen your bond with them.

However, be realistic in your expectations – hugging will not “cure” their condition, so professional help is still needed. With patience and compassion, physical touch can become one tool in helping manage BPD.